A New Name For Everything

Let me break it down…

January 18, 2009 at 5:35 pm (Uncategorized)

I’m coming to some conclusions. I never meant for this blog to be a totally open venue for my emotions. I usually keep those locked away unless engaging in personal conversations, not posting them for the entire internet world to stumble upon. But I’m starting to consider my time RPing in Gor….and what I’ve learned from it.

I think I have submissive tendencies in my real life being. In the person behind Cortez and Asneth. And not just submissive tendencies, but a curiosity enough to want to perhaps consider a lifestyle that at least takes these Gorean ideals into consideration. No, I’m not ready to leave my entire life for anyone and move across the country, or an ocean, to live out a fantasy world as someone’s slave. But I’m tired of having the upper-hand in relationships. I’m tired of dating ‘boys’ and not men. I want to eventually be able to pour all of my trust so far into someone else’s hands that I don’t even have to worry about it anymore. Maybe this is what I consider being owned. And maybe the dominant tinge is just a way for me to view giving up responsibility. I want to be wanted, not needed. I want to experience that level of intimacy and trust….I’m not sure……..there is just something clearly missing.

I used to have these conservative notions of anyone that would even consider living this sort of lifestyle. BDSM? Those crazy, perverted freaks! Certainly anyone engaging in that is just asking to meet a psycho and get their limbs sliced apart inch by inch. A real life slave?? No way, giving up every right you’ve ever had just so some man can rock his socks off thinking about you?

But what I’m learning…what you all have already begun to realize, is that such ideas are falsely based, and there is obviously so much MORE to all of this. I’m not entirely certain of what my expectations are, but it feels good to finally realize that there are things about yourself you’ve been suppressing for no other reason then that you had no idea it was natural to feel this way.

I talk with women like Kiana and Sahbra. I get nosey. I ask questions. And I realize that being submissive has nothing to do with losing a sense of who you are. And being submissive for one man does not mean you would for every man. These are two of the strongest women I know, with the clearest heads on their shoulders, and enough of a grasp over who they are to not let their emotions get the best of them. Maybe, I’m just trying to see a bit of myself in the things that they say. There are obviously reasons I’ve chosen Gor to RP in, all this time. And I guess there is a reason that I’ve refused to address those reasons as well. I’m coming out of my cage. Slowly maybe, but I’ve unlocked the door…

Every relationship you engage in…every situation you enter…if you so much as crack a window that releases some sort of emotional attachment, you might get hurt. Someone always does. But you know what? Fuck it. Life is about living, and when the pain does come, it’s about hurting so intensely to know that whatever you are hurting over was strong enough to make you hurt over it in the first place, and being thankful you had something that made you so happy, you can bleed so deeply over it.  And then, it’s about being strong enough to realize that even the darkest moments can be overcome. It’s about moving on. I am done planning for the future, preparing for the worst case scenario. From now on, I’m taking this day by day, and enjoying every moment of it.

The people I miss know that I miss them. Some things need no more explanations.

And here I am, now, and I am incredibly honored, and excited, and enthralled to have Cortez in the collar she is wearing. It’s really amazing to be happy, and to be at the start of a new journey.

Wherever this takes me, and my RP, I will cheers Elgin for it. So, bottoms up. And to all you out there that have already figured this all out, that have taken a stand over what you want out of life, relationships, and sex, and come to your own conclusions, I raise my beer to you. And yes, I know I’m lame. No one needs to remind me.

Or as they say in Danish- Skål! Bunden i vejret eller resten i håret!